Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
