hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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