I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
