This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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