worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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