it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Randomize
