I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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