Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
