i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
