you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
