Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
