call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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