Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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