Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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