My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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