She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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