I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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