Jerry, you need to find god
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
