I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
