Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
