You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
