I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
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