Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
