my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
