i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
