I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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