You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
