drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
a search helicopter?!
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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