Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
We got so high we made milksteak
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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