I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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