someone threw a dead crab at me
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
