I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
