My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
