I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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