If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
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