She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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