When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just high enough for therapy.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
