I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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