is your mom at the bar?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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