So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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