i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
