Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
