I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
