So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
