We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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