bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
