I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
