Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
