the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
