im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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