my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Randomize
