I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
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I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
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I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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