im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Randomize
