"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
