We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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