forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
