My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
