if i can run in heels then i can drive
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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